


Obligatory Quarantine Fanfic

by Offended_dot_png



Category: DanPlan, actuallyoddplan
Genre: Coronavirus, DanPlan - Freeform, F/M, Gen, actuallyoddplan - Freeform, or are they, quarantine fic, sleepover, the boys are happy :D
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:29:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 7,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23553829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Offended_dot_png/pseuds/Offended_dot_png
Summary: Someone had to do it.Stephen, already bored after one day in coronavirus-induced quarantine, invites Hosuh, and Jay to spend the night. However, when someone in his neighborhood is diagnosed with the virus, the trio find themselves on a seemingly endless lockdown: all stuck sharing a room.Originally had no ships, but ever since I discovered the fucking majesty that is Hosuh and Ivu, I had to show my support.
Relationships: Gavin Ng & Stephen Ng, Hosuh Lee & Stephen Ng & Jay Ko, Ivu | Zerinchii/Hosuh Lee
Comments: 11
Kudos: 35





	1. Plans

**Author's Note:**

> New fic! :D Heads up: most of this chapter is just the folks typing in a group chat, so if you don’t like that type of writing, I’ll leave a summary of the conversation in the notes

It had been a long day of doing absolutely nothing for the purple-haired teacher. Sure, answering the occasional email from a confused student and grading barely-coherent essays was buckets of fun, but hours of the same thing tends to wear a man down. Gavin always kept things interesting on their daily phone calls: talking about the color of his cat’s vomit was the most exciting topic Stephen could think of. 

“Well, I’ve gotta get back to grading; good luck with the vet,” he absentmindedly told his brother, holding the phone with one hand and picking at a scab on his elbow with the other. 

“Thanks, I’ll talk to you later?”

“Mhm. Bye, bro.” Stephen presses the red button and returned to the pages of digital assignments yet to be graded. He sighed and could feel his eyelids getting heavy. The folds of skin started to flutter closed over his purple eyes, tempting him to give up on the work and nap. He almost succumbed, if not for the sharp pain he suddenly felt.

His attention turned to his- now bleeding- elbow, eliciting another sigh. A wound like this made him all the more susceptible to infection, including the recent hot button issue taking over the world. 

He got up from the couch and took a glance out his window on the way to the bathroom. How odd to see nobody out, whether it be walking their dogs or hosting garage sales. Although the quiet was nice, Stephen still missed the backdrop of socializing, even if he seldom participated. 

As he crouched to open his cabinets, packed with bandaids and hand sanitizer he bought the week before- read: stole from work- the word “socializing” drifted in the empty expanse of his mind. Being social wasn’t his top priority, rather choosing to stay alive and keep his job. However, a bit of contact other than sixth graders and Gavin would be nice. 

After placing the bandaid, he opened the group chat between Jay, Ann, Hosuh, Blank and himself. It was usually rarely touched, but had been blowing up for the past week due to nobody having anything else to do. 

(Yeah I know these aren’t their actual Discord names, I just like creating my own ones.)

Steve: Hello fuckers, anything interesting going on?

DrawingABlank: Idk just chilling with my gecko

OddJayAlter: :v ge cko,.. 

Steve: Tf did you just type

OddJayAlter: Get off my back n e r d

Steve: Jesus alright

Steve: @Loss.jpg @Annie wyd

Annie: Your mom

Loss.jpg: I’m not up to anything, what about you?

Steve: Thinking of having a sleepover?

Annie: So y’all really just gonna ignore my hilarious joke huh 

Annie: And when is it? Depending on the day I may be able to come

Steve: Like. Tonight, eightish 

OddJayAlter: Hell yeah I’m coming

DrawingABlank: Fuck I’m swamped with studying tonight 👊😔🤚

Steve: It’s fine, you’ll come next time

Loss.jpg: I can come :D

Annie: Can’t, mandatory online lecture, but I’ll swing by in the morning

Steve: Why would your prof hold a lecture that late???

Annie: Crack

Steve: Fantastic

Steve: I’ll talk to you dumbasses later, looks like I’m preparing for a sleepover

Loss.jpg: See you later, don’t forget to take out that disc of my favorite anime!!

Steve: I’m not making Jay watch Monster Musume

Loss.jpg: NO

Stephen turned off the phone and let the constant buzzing from the chat serve as background music to his preparation. Chips in the pantry, soda and tea in the fridge, and pillows on the couch: the needed ingredients for a great slumber party. 

Of course, a horror movie or two wouldn’t hurt. Even if they scared the shit out of him, it’d help them stay awake later. He was already mentally readying himself for Hosuh whining about how scary it was, and Jay commenting on the shitty effects.

Not even coronavirus could ruin this night.


	2. Things Are Happening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jay is on speed, Hosuh is a filthy liar, and the grape man himself gets nervous

Have you ever heard an ambulance siren blaring during a thunderstorm? That’s a pretty accurate representation of what Stephen’s doorbell sounded like. He jumped up, both to answer the door and from the sudden noise, calling out a loud “I’m fucking COMING!” 

A banshee shrieked outside the door. Naturally, this signified it was none other than Jay. The blond man stood eagerly at his doorstep, holding a duffel bag and bouncing on his toes. Stephen hadn’t noticed how much taller Jay was until his shadow loomed over him completely, akin to a man-sized tree shading a slightly smaller man-sized tree.

“Dude, I am so excited, I’m gonna explode.” He continued to bounce, making Stephen feel a tad nauseous from keeping track of him with his eyes.

“You’re also apparently on coke. Just come in and try not to go completely ballistic.”

They plopped down on the couch together. Jay grabbed one of the pillows in his arms, putting the poor thing in a chokehold. He excitedly bounced questions off of Stephen, like “what are we doing first?”, “when is Hosuh coming?”, and “who’s the creepy guy staring through your window?” Useless question after useless question.

“First we’re waiting for Hosuh, he’ll be here soon, and the longer you look at him the longer he stays.” He grabbed the remote from the adjacent table, lighting up the TV with life and being greeted with the local news channel. 

A pretty woman in a red suit took up the screen. “Coronavirus deaths have reached 500 in Canada, and government officials are beginning to discuss plans for 2021. The situation...”

Stephen tuned out most of what she was saying. The current situation wracked his nerves whenever he thought about it, the constant coverage not helping. He was saved from having to hear her drone on about the virus any longer by a sudden knocking. Hosuh knew well enough that the doorbell was torture to listen to.

“I brought cookies!” That made Stephen pick up the pace, managing to reach the door in under five seconds. The most intense stab of disappointment struck his heart at what he saw.

No cookies.

“I- you said you had cookies?! You’ve betrayed me!”

Hosuh giggled and lifted a hand- that could’ve been carrying a plate of sweets- up to his mouth to stifle the noise. “I didn’t wanna stand out here in the infected air any longer than I had to.”

He let all the air out in a sharp exhale through his nose. “Touché. C’mon in.” 

They met Jay again at the couch, who had calmed down and now only held the pillow in a grip that had merely a 50% chance of killing it. “Howdy Hos. How’s life in quarantine been?”

The silver-haired man clicked his tongue. “Painfully boring. What about you?”

“Same. Kinda fun watching all the birds come back out, though; with all the people inside, they pretty much have free range of the neighborhood.” He ended the sentence with a wistful look, fantasizing about the multitude of birds that had gathered outside his apartment. Nobody’s 100% sure, but at least one of those fantasies involved murder. 

Stephen let the implications of what Jay said sink in: people are gone, either in isolation or- he didn’t want to think about the other option. It was unlikely to kill any of the people he knew, but rumors about teens and young adults dying at the hands of the virus were floating around. 

But at a sleepover with two of his best friends wasn’t the time to ruminate. “Hey, I rented a bunch of horror movies for tonight, mostly popular ones. You wanna watch one of them first or do something else?”

They considered the question before Hosuh replied “I’ve fallen victim to my idiocy and made myself hungry for cookies. Got any mix?”

Stephen sighed dramatically. “If we MUST make cookies, then I have a boxed mix in the pantry.”

Soon enough, the trio got caught up in the chaos of three college-aged kids baking. Flour covered the countertop like unknown bodily fluids cover a dark alley, bowls of all sizes regularly crashed to the floor, and everyone was riding out a sugar high. When Jay nearly choked on a whisk, they decided to leave well enough alone and put the balls of dough into the oven.

“We’re never doing this again,” Stephen stated.

“Could’ve been worse,” Jay started; “I was considering burning the house down.”


	3. Quarantine Is a Bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The cookies promised before are finally here

Plates of freshly-baked cookies sat on Stephen’s living room table. It was within reach of the sofa, piled to the top with throw pillows and blankets, allowing for minimal effort and maximum cookie-related satisfaction. 

The host popped in a disk for the movie Hush- Stephen is a boomer and doesn’t have Netflix- and all three men leaned further into the couch, huddling a tad closer just in case any scenes got too intense. Physical affection was fairly rare for them, but it was never entirely discouraged. 

“Fucking- ok, whichever smooth-brain fool made the blood-“

“Shut the everloving fuck up,” Stephen interrupted Jay, turning up the volume to drown out his complaints. Contrary to the blond, Hosuh was surprisingly quiet, not releasing so much as a squeak during the entire movie. “Hos, why’re you being so quiet?”

He seemed to snap from a daze, gaze turning from the TV to Stephen. “Oh, well, the cinegeography is really impressive.”

The other two friends shared a glance. Jay asked “what in hell is cinegeography?” with no small amount of disappointment in his tone.

“Shit, I meant-“

“No no!” Stephen pressed pause and put all his focus on Hosuh. “You’re just eyeing the actors and aren’t being startled by what’s actually happening, aren’t ya?”

Hosuh exploded in a bright pink blush, curling into his body. “I’m not! The movie is just made really well; that’s it, I swear.”

Jay and Stephen scoffed and the former said “if you insist”. He snatched the remote and resumed Hush, all three men focusing again on the screen. 

Ten minutes passed, mostly filled with Stephen stopping Jay from running his mouth and all of them stuffing themselves with cookies. The audience’s silence was broken by the My Little Pony credits song.

Jay bursted into laughter as Stephen lunged for his phone, burning red with humiliation. It took Hosuh a second to catch on, but when he did, he joined in on the laughter and held one of Stephen’s legs to stop him from getting the phone.

“Let go!” He slapped at the hand, which thankfully was attached to a merciful- in comparison to the other two, at least- man, letting him pick up the call. The name “Jocat” lit up the screen. “Hey Jo.”

Hosuh and Jay watched Stephen talk on the phone, his usual greetings and formalities- sprinkled with insults- not interesting them much. However, when his expression darkened and tone deepened, their attention was peaked. 

“Oh shit, how’d you even catch it? ... Mhm. No, Jay and Hosuh are with me. ... If you get any more news, call me, alright? ... Ok, see you, get better soon.” Stephen turned to his two best friends, eyes wide and fists clenched.

“Jo got corona.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll admit, the final line is kinda stupid. Very melodramatic, a solid tattoo line. Regardless, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I should be able to update between tomorrow and Friday <3


	4. Chronic Bruh Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: I use the word sans

“Oh,” Jay replied, “bruh moment.”

“F in the chat for Jo,” Hosuh added.

“Are you guys not concerned?” Stephen asked, incredulous. 

His two guests shared a glance, before saying simultaneously “No”. 

Jay elaborated, saying “How old is Jo? Thirteen? Corona mostly kills boomers. So, Stephen, guess you better watch your back.”

Stephen found himself dumbfounded, eyes glued to the two idiots in front of him. “Have you not read the fucking n e w s? This shit kills everyone!”

To ease tension- which never works- Hosuh added “Not everyone! Only, like, really sick people and the elderly-“

“And the twenty-something football player. Yep, great case you’ve made!”

Jay fell face-first onto the hardwood floor, a loud thud resounding throughout Stephen’s house. Seeing as there’s only three rooms, it’s not much of an accomplishment, but it still made the creepy window man recoil. The sound was loud enough to help reach his goal, however: shutting up Hosuh and Stephen long enough for his brain cells to recover. 

“Aight, this conversation is taking us nowhere. We are both concerned for Jo, but we should be more concerned about the...” Jay had never been the best with words, and his friends with interpreting them, so he had to choose his next one carefully. “...Consequences.”

The men staring down at him blinked in sync- it sounds kinda cool, but it’s actually creepy as fuck- while waiting for the blond to continue. 

“Stephen, I know you call your home a house to feel better about yourself, but let’s be real: this is an apartment.” The homeowner in question gasped silently, mouth as wide as the sun and eyebrows tilted to inhuman degrees. “The health department folks probably don’t want people running around when there’s someone sick right next door, especially since you’re all so close together. So what do you think they’ll do?”

“Kill Jo!” Hosuh replied, raising his hand enthusiastically like a kindergartner with the right answer. 

Jay sighed very, very deeply. “No. Bad Hosuh.”

“Go sit in the corner!” Stephen barked. Reluctantly, Hosuh went to sit in the corner by Stephen’s shoe rack- read: a cardboard box where he places his single pair of Crocs- and stewed in his indignant rage. “What’ll happen?”

Jay quickly reorganized his train of thought and replied “They’ll likely force us all inside unless it’s, like, groceries and shit.”

All three boys contemplated the idea when there was a sharp knock on the door. Stephen rushed over to answer it, fearing for the worst. An official-looking, “I’m-gonna-take-your-inheritance-money” looking girl in a hazmat suit stood in the doorway, slips of paper in her gloved hand. 

“Hello, I’m from the Canada Health Organization. Your neighbor, two doors down on the left, has just tested positive for coronavirus.” He already knew it, but having someone so official say it made the news truly sink in. “In order to keep the rest of your complex safe, we ask all residents to stay inside for the next week unless necessary.”

One of the slips was gingerly placed in his hand. It was in comic sans, had cheap Stock graphics, and listed out steps for safety. An official document shouldn’t look like something a kindergartner- like Hosuh- slapped together.

“Oh, thanks. Is that it?”

She gave a short nod, turning away and walking down to the next apartment. Stephen stood dumbfounded, both by her announcement and the abrupt departure.

“Well, fuck you, Jay: you were right. We’re all stuck inside.”

Hosuh had rejoined the group at that point. Despite the rather depressing news, his blue eyes still glimmered with an idea behind them.

“You know what this means?” He asked.

Jay and Stephen flicked their gazes to Hosuh, slightly bewildered.

“It means an extended sleepover!”


	5. More Texting and General Chaos

The remainder of the night was spent in a shabby blanket fort. All of them had made a solid attempt at staying up all night, but only Jay made it past midnight. The moment Hosuh conked out, mere minutes after Stephen, he took out a sharpie and got to work. 

By one a.m., Hosuh’s face had been completely decorated with dicks, Stephen’s about three quarters of the way covered. Because he doesn’t like being left out, Jay drew a dick on his forehead. It was nowhere near as many as the other two, but it was more about the sentiment. 

Eventually, he crashed as well. The men huddled together, unintentionally, under the fabric canopy. 

When Stephen woke up, it was only him and Jay in the fort. Listening closely, he picked up the sounds of footsteps in the kitchen.

“HOSUH ARE YOU MAKING BREAKFAST.” He screamed at the top of his lungs. In addition to the man in question flinching, Jay also bolted upright out of a peaceful sleep. His hand grabbed for the nearest pillow and he set to work beating Stephen to death.

“The fuck- *pap*- was that shit- *pap* *pap*- for?! *pap*.” Stephen tried in vain to fend off his taller attacker, only barely keeping the pillow from hitting his face. Well, Jay would later say he landed a few good swings, but who’s to say for sure?

Hosuh darted over and slid through the flap. In his hands was a couch cushion- because he’s a cheater- which he used to beat the everloving shit out of them both. 

“Mercy, fuck, mercy!” Stephen cried, choking on laughter and down feathers. “Ok, I’m done: no more yelling!”

The statement seemed to satisfy Jay and Hosuh, who lowered their weapons. Somehow, despite the chaos, the fort still stood strong. 

Until Hosuh leaned back too far and brought the salmon walls crashing down. 

“HOSUH!” Jay yelled. He regained possession of his pillow, which was then swung wildly at the destroyer himself. “I SWEAR TO GOD, MAN!”

Stephen didn’t have any intention of getting caught in A Pillow Fight, so he slipped out of the fort. He immediately went for his charging phone, both to check the time and update his friends on how stupid his houseguests were.

The “Parents” chat opened up, the most recent message being a boomer meme from Blank. Of course, Stephen can’t tell the difference between boomer and good memes, so he laughed at the joke. 

^^ Steve added Gaphin to the chat! ^^

Gaphin: why do you hate me

Steve: :)

Steve: Jo fucking got coronavirus 

DrawingABlank: WHAT.

Annie: OMG how??

Steve: idk the virus is everywhere

DrawingABlank: why don’t you fucking ask him

Steve: I don’t wanna be weird 

Gaphin: showing concern??? For your friends??? Isn’t weird????????? Stephen you’re so socially inept

Steve: SHUT YA MOUTH IM HOT AND CHARMING

Annie: yeah ok boomer

Steve: ANYWAY I wanted to tell all of you that Jay and Hosuh are being dumbs

Steve: they’re duking it out in the blanket fort

DrawingABlank: OwO pics?

OddJayAlter: if you send a picture I’ll post one of your ass

Steve: ? Where’d you got a picture of my ass?

OddJayAlter: look behind you 

Stephen abruptly turned around, finding Jay pouncing on him, and Hosuh bursting a fit of tear-filled laughter. They wrestled on the ground for a hot second, ending in Jay getting hold of Stephen’s phone.

Steve: HI I LIKE PISS

Annie: Stephen wtf

Oh, two could play at this.

OddJayAlter: STEPHEN DOES NOT LIKE PISS. I EAT LEAVES

Steve: HI THIS IS STEPHEN AND I DRINK PISS

Now it was Stephen’s turn to do the pouncing. He tackled Jay to the floor, both of them yelling at each other about the likability of piss. 

Loss.jpg: haha sorry about them, they’re fools

Annie: we understand

Loss.jpg: but for the record 

Loss.jpg: he does like piss

Gaphin: I KNEW IT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :o an upload so close to the last one? You betcha! Over the weekend, I’ll try getting at least one more chapter out. Expect things to start getting even more chaotic


	6. Long Day

The sun acted as an oppressive blanket in Stephen’s living room/kitchen/gamer den. It taunted them with the temptation of going outside, getting an IV’s worth of vitamin D pumped directly into their veins. Luckily, Jay’s pretty good with needles- and brought lots of drugs- so he was able to inject Hosuh with some good old-fashioned vitamins.

“So, I won’t die from this?”

“Correct.”

“You’re sure?”

“Shut up.” Jay unceremoniously jabbed the needle where one would insert an IV, making Hosuh yelp and Stephen screw up his face uncomfortably. 

“You- hng, you could’ve warned me.”

“Yeah, I’m extremely impulsive and had a needle. What else was I to do?” 

They all sat in silence, Stephen scrolling through his phone, Jay digging through his suitcase full of coke, weed and other fun things, and Hosuh twitching.

“Oh shit!” Jay yelled, comically smacking his forehead. It made a sound not unlike boots stomping on concrete. “I didn’t give you vitamins! I gave you heroin!”

“JAY!” Hosuh shrieked, “No wonder I feel like a sock!”

“What’s that like?” Stephen asked, attention barely away from his The Social Media. 

“Look man, I’m not the brightest; the effects should wear off in about an hour. For now, just...”

Hosuh glared at him, eyelids twitching. “And just w h a t?”

“Hey, piss boy, what do people do when they’re high?”

He finally looked up from his screen, giving the question serious thought. “I wouldn’t know: I’ve never been high.” Yet another second of contemplation. “Can I have some heroin?”

“Hell yeah!” Jay reopened his briefcase, shuffling baggies around to get to a bronze substance in a clear cup, also grabbing a clean needle.

It was about five minutes later that the three of them began riding out their highs. Jay acted relatively the same, as he usually acts like he’s high on something; Hosuh was halfway through baking cupcakes; and Stephen thought. This is a very rare occurrence and usually means something big’s about to happen.

“What if we all die?” He asked, flat on his back and eyes glued to the ceiling. “Our resting place would be here, in my gamer den, surrounded by drugs. With you two.”

“I can think of worse ways to go,” Jay added. He was being pretty normal, aside from the fact that his eyes were wide open.

“But... I’ve always wanted to die doing something cool, like fighting a shark, or kissing a chick at a bar; not while strung out on heroin.”

“Well,” Hosuh began, “we could make out. Boom! Goal accomplished.”

Stephen eyed his long-time friend. A strange feeling of discomfort grew in his stomach as Hosuh dropped to the floor and crawled over to him. “But you’re straight?”

“It’s flexible.” He came too close for comfort, so close Stephen could feel Hosuh’s breath on his neck.

“Alright, back off.” Stephen crab walked away, kicking away Hosuh when his hands made a grab for his foot. “I’m straight! I’M STRAIGHT!”

“I AM A TOUCH-STARVED BISEXUAL, JUST GIVE ME A HUG.”

Jay watched them, failing to point out Stephen was about to bump into his lamp in time. “Hey-“

The sound of glass shattering made all three men stop in their tracks. Stephen fell flat on his back, arms giving out. His tall lamp laid on the hardwood, shattered bits of lightbulb sitting near it like splatters of blood. As they slowly came to terms with the situation, the oven went off, making them jump out of their skin. 

“You owe me $50, you bitch.”

“I’m not denying that this... this is an oopsie. Major oopsie on my part.” Hosuh set to work picking up the bits of glass with his bare fucking hands, Jay and Stephen watching him as the heroin slowly wore off.

“That was a waste of some good snow,” Jay added, shaking his head and letting his eyes close again. “I’m taking a fucking nap. If Hosuh does some dumb shit, wake me up so I can laugh at him.”

Stephen continued to watch Hosuh clean, both of them slowly sobering up. 

“This’ll be a loooong week,” Stephen muttered.


	7. Fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with the story so far! It’s been fun writing this tale, and I’ve wrapped things up nicely in the Notes app on my phone. After I edit the last chapter, I’ll just be posting every few days like I’ve been doing.  
> Also... HOVU. THEY’RE SO SWEET AND SOFT AND AAAAAH. If you’re looking for some good ship content, Sircantus and Peach_Paty wrote some very soft fics on this site. Highly recommend

It was a new day. A new, drug-free, lamp-lacking day. While Jay and Hosuh slept like babies that are asleep, Stephen couldn’t find it in himself to relax. All through the night, he found his mind racked with thoughts of the unknown. Would anyone else he knew be affected by the virus? Was Jo coping? Could anything bad happen to Gavin? All this and more, next time on Total! Drama! Is-

To take his mind off of things- and to escape the snoring- he went for a stroll in the other two rooms. Bits of hair were picked up and promptly thrown in the trash. Tiny pieces of glass Hosuh missed got swept under his couch. That’d show the snake living under there. 

In his minor cleaning frenzy, Stephen failed to notice the gaze of window man intensified. Once he happened to switch his sight to the window, he recoiled, rolling his eyes when he remembered this was a regular visitor.

He’d had enough of it.

Stephen plucked up the courage to meet his eyes. Like an edgy fursona, they lacked pupils, or any sign of life. It was as if black holes had been hammered into his skull. His own purple irises glinted in the dimming light of his kitchen. Why was it dimming?

He opened the window, getting no reaction from the stalker/mysterious entity/really dedicated competitor in a long-forgotten staring contest. Stephen yelled “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?”

The being- which, the closer Stephen looked, appeared less and less human- tilted its head in confusion. It gave no response.

“Look man,” he began with a sigh, “my buds are over here, and I’ve got no room for a fourth person. You’re also a major cockblock. Every time I have a girl over, you stare into her soul, and she goes ‘oh Stephen! What is that thing?!’ so I try to explain ‘just don’t look at him, and nothing will happen.’ 

“But that never works! She always scampers off, because you decided to show your ugly fucking face around here. So I’m left with a mild hangover, a random phone number, a flaccid dick, and more questions! I’ll ask you one more time, and if you stay silent, I’m getting my shotgun: whaddaya want?”

The man’s chest, a hollow-looking trunk with a barely-beating heart, rose as if to take a breath. Then it shrieked. 

Thin hands grabbed for Stephen, who screamed like a little girl and karate chopped the arms with his epic karate skills. 

“FUCK FUCK FUCK! HELP! I FUCKED UP!”

Footsteps beat down the hallway- read: two foot connection between the bedroom and kitchen/living room- and cries of “are you ok?” rang out. His guests just kind of stood in the entranceway while Stephen reached for a frying pan. 

Jay sat back as Hosuh sprang into action, grabbing the cool hose attachment on Stephen’s sink and turning the water on full blast. Sadly, those things are about as effective as a Nerf gun in a robbery, so all the spray did was mildly inconvenience Window Man. 

“GET THE HAMMER!”

“Right!” Hosuh dropped the hose with a clank, directly onto Stephen’s tow, though that didn’t really bug him, seeing as he was seconds away from vore. He dug through the bare drawers and picked up a heavy wooden mallet, swinging it over his shoulder like a soldier marching with a rifle. With a sharp breath, Hosuh yelled “DON’T FUCK WITH ME; I HAVE THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME ON MY SIDE!”

Their blond friend lifted a finger and said “Please don’t do this bit-“ It was in vain as Hosuh shrieked at the top of his lungs and ran at Window Man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha. I have pulled a funny and left a cliffhanger. After the next chapter, I’ll skip a couple days ahead, where the tensions between them will actually be more apparent


	8. Obligatory Window Man

The sound of a mallet being violently thrusted through the air could only be described as underwhelming. Honestly, Jay was expecting more from the dense tool. The mallet was also a letdown.

“Put your back into it!” Jay ordered Hosuh, who had just swung and missed the man for a third time. 

The silver-haired boy grunted, letting all the oxygen in his lungs out with a powerful swing that hit Window Man dead in the chest and missed Stephen by mere centimeters. 

“Bloody! Fucking! Piece of! Shit!” Hosuh insulted it, continuing to bash it with all his might. Soon enough, the thin fingers released Stephen, who stumbled back into Jay and took the deepest breath of his life. 

They locked eyes for an uncomfortably long time. “So this is new,” Stephen calmly said. 

“Yep,” Jay agreed, “haven’t seen Hosuh like this in a while.” They watched as the shortest of the three screamed more curses and triumphantly laughed when the man scampered off. “Nice going, buddy. Please put the hammer down.”

“You’ll have to pry it out of my cold, dead, weeb hands.” 

The blond only sighed and shook his head, pushing Stephen away. “If that’s what you want.” He lunged for Hosuh, who held his arms up in defense. 

“WAIT FUCK I WAS JOKING-“

Stephen, beyond tired, sauntered back to his bedroom as they duked it out. He’d deal with their bruising in the morning, when there was coffee in his blood, peace in the air, and logic in his brain. For now, it seemed like the perfect time for sleep.

Well, as much as one can sleep when their best friends are beating each other in the kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one was so short 👊😔🤚; I wasn’t sure how to wrap up this one, so I just kind of went for it. The next chapter will be a small time skip, so be on the lookout for that!


	9. o_ o

Steve: no cap I’m gonna rip these two fuckers in half, I’m going feral

OddJayAlter: we are literally sitting right next to you

Steve: you heard what I said

Gaphin: bro. Quarantine has been on for a week. How have you already lost your shit???

Steve: it’s dark times in the Superior Brother household 😔

^^ Loss.jpg added F uck to the chat! ^^

Loss.jpg: guys please don’t fight in front of my wife

OddJayAlter: howdy Ivu

F uck: heeeey

F uck: how are you nerds doing in isolation 

Steve: I’m being isolated with the two most annoying people on earth, it’s like fucking babysitting 

Loss.jpg: I SAID ID GET YOU A NEW LAMP

Steve: THAT DOESNT ACCOUNT FOR EMOTIONAL DAMAHR

Steve: DAMAGE

Looking up from his phone, Stephen shot a glare at Hosuh, which went unnoticed. His gray-haired friend was furrowing his brow and swiftly typing something in the chat, lips pursed in concentration.

Loss.jpg: so you’ll hang onto the lamp thing but ignore how Jay fucked up your freezer?

Steve: wtf are you talking about

OddJayAlter: HOSUH YOU BITCH

Loss.jpg: go check your fridge 

Yet another glare was cast from Stephen, directed at both of his house guests. He stood up and made his way to the fridge, throwing open the freezer door. What caught his attention first was the ball of tangled hair sitting on his ice cream. 

“JAY? WHAT’S WITH THE HAIR?!”

“Cut some of Hosuh’s in his sleep!”

Stephen could practically smell the tension forming between Jay and Hosuh. He screwed up his face and pinched the mass to throw it out. However, a far better plan formed in his mind.

“Catch!” He yelled into the living room, catching the two off guard. With a powerful throw, Stephen hurled the ball at his blond friend. It hit Jay square in the face, which, while not painful, was definitely not welcomed. 

Hosuh burst into a fit of laughter, Stephen adding small chuckles to the noise. He watched Jay’s expression turn from disgust to amusement pretty quickly, although there was a hint of some more disturbing emotion in there. 

“Damn man, you got me. I’ll take the L on this one.” He held his hands up in surrender, the hair still sitting in his lap. Stephen let the tension in his shoulders melt as he realized there would be no consequences to his actions, as per usual.

Well, alright, this time’s an exception. 

Out of the corner of his cold, dead eyes, Stephen watched Jay lean over to Hosuh and whisper “He hasn’t found the hot dog ice cubes yet”. Primal fear shot through his body upon hearing those words, sewn together by the fashionistas of evil, and he lunged for the freezer.

“No cap, he’s about to find out,” Hosuh mumbled, wholly content with watching them kill each other while updating the group chat. Jay had long forgotten about his phone, so Hosuh found it the perfect opportunity to do some texting.

Loss.jpg: THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTING

F uck: OwO

Annie: get that shit on video or I’ll cry, this is amazing 

“YOU PUT. JUST. CHUNKS.”

With his incredible intuition, Hosuh reasoned that Stephen had discovered the ice cubes. He pulled up the camera app and aimed his phone towards the center of the mismatched room.

In a flash of horror, Stephen realized what Jay’s hidden emotion was:

Le epic troll. Jesus Christ that joke was so fucking stupid why did I-

He popped a handful of cubes out, tiny crumbs of meat sticking to his hand, and ran around the counter to reach his target. Hosuh kept the camera trained on them as Stephen threw cube after cube at Jay, hot dog flying everywhere. 

“Fuck! I surrender!” Jay cried out, choking on laughter. He started choking on something else when an ice cube landed square on his tongue. Instinctively, and in the only logical reaction to having something like that in your mouth, he spit it onto the ground, retching at the taste of watered down hot dogs. “Ok,” he panted between deep breaths and giggles, “no more messing with your stuff: promise.”

Stephen didn’t release his grip on the ice tray. “You promise?” He got a nod in response, alongside Hosuh lowering his phone and flashing a smile, so he let the tray drop and went to sit with them.

“Shouldn’t we clean that up before the water soaked into the floor?” Hosuh asked, eyes watching the ice slowly melt and form a puddle. 

While kicking his feet into Jay’s lap, Stephen responded “Nah, I’ll get it later.” 

Moments of simultaneously relaxing and tense silence- don’t know how to explain that combination- passed before a ringing came from Jay’s phone.

Loss.jpg: Jay had wiener in his mouth

OddJayAlter: buddy I’m giving you ten seconds to run before I start hunting

Taking his cue, Hosuh shot up and locked himself in Stephen’s closet, bringing the phone with him. He sat crouched on an unpacked box until dinner came around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo, sorry for this one being kind of long! As you can probably tell by my writing style, this was the start of my slow descent into madness.
> 
> And over 200 reads?! Thank you, reader senpai; expect even more chaos in the near future


	10. The Boys Discover Fear

Burnt macaroni and cheese wasn’t anyone’s first choice of a meal, but it was what they got. At the time of cooking, Hosuh was still locked in the closet, so it was up to Purple and Blind to make dinner.

“No, if you put it in before it boils the pasta won’t cook right.”

“It doesn’t matter! The pasta cooks either way! Do you wanna waste time, or eat before sunrise?”

“This is My House, and in My House, I decided how to boil the fucking pasta.” Stephen thought of this conversation as he stabbed a noodle with his fork. Oh, to be young and naive. 

Hosuh looked awkwardly between the two, forced smile hiding all the contempt he felt at this poor excuse for a childhood classic. Dear god, if harnessed correctly, all the rage in him directed at that dish could’ve powered New York City for a year. “Good mac and cheese, guys.” The pain only grows. 

The scent of burning water- good job, you two- hung in the air and refused to leave until all the windows were open. Even then, the smell clung to their clothes like lice. 

“Well, that plan has gone-“ Jay picked up the pot with two oven mitts, only a small, depressing puddle of water left in the bottom, and chucked it out the nearest window, “-out the window.”

Stephen, to his credit, refrained from laughing long enough to sigh. “I can’t even be mad at that; that was a really good joke.”

“See? I have good ideas sometimes.” He peered around the kitchen, spotting a clean brownie dish. Jay let out a comically loud “AHA!” and sprang into action, gathering the unused pasta, cooking spray, and slices of cheese.

“So, I heard you loudly yell ‘aha’ while I was hiding in fear. What uuhh, what was that about?” Hosuh bit his tongue to stop himself from adding “Because if your epiphany was to shorten my lifespan, you succeeded”.

Jay, for the first time in his life, floundered. “Pfft, y’know, it was. Well, I thought the cheese- hnnnnng. Oven bake food.” 

“Ah, ok. You’re aware you have to boil the noodles before you bake it, right?”

“I was not aware. Was not aware of that fact.”

Smoke finally drove Hosuh out of hiding, a thin trail leading to the stove. He stepped back as he witnessed his two closest friends, covered in melted cheese, beat each other to death with plastic spatulas. He could deal with the smell of smoke in his closet if it meant not dealing with those crackheads. 

A beep.

The macaroni lasagna was complete. 

It stared at Jay with two noodley eyes through the translucent glass, making him flinch. This was worse than Creepy Window Man. However, he took the plunge and pulled out the tray with Stephen’s t h i c c e s t pair of oven mitts, dropping it on the counter.

“What have we done.” Stephen stared numbly at what they’d be eating for dinner.

Jay felt nothing expect hollowness as he got out a butcher’s knife and started hacking away at It. He could’ve sworn It screamed.

Finally, Stephen cleared his plate, cheeks a faint shade of green. “D-delicious,” he weakly mumbled. Upon standing to dump the plate in the sink, he collapsed face-first onto the ground. His guests ignored him, hearing the faint mumbling of a hundred tortured children telling them to finish the lasagna. Stephen could wait until they finished.


	11. Group Chat Nonsense

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yet another one focusing heavily on the chat. I’ll leave a little summary at the end. For now, please enjoy!

OddJayAlter: Stephen passed out from eating evil macaroni please help OnO

F uck: call an ambulance

OddJayAlter: I don’t think the paramedics know how to deal with this one

Gaphin: are we talking badly cooked evil or possessed evil?

OddJayAlter: yeah

F uck: @Annie got any answers???

Annie: my time has come 

Annie: (link: Totally Legit Seance Guide by Expert Professionals Who Can Do Their Jobs)

Annie: in step four, where it says place the person in your circle, add the mac and cheese

Loss.jpg: guys Ann did something useful for once! Proud dad

Annie: Hosuh is my villain origin story 

Loss.jpg: >:)

Gaphin: this is cringe

Gaphin: I’m gonna watch TV and get stoned

Loss.jpg: drink water frequently man!!!!

Gaphin: such a responsible dad, I’ll drink water

F uck: so how did you guys even get possessed pasta 

Loss.jpg: Jay and Stephen literally cooked it so bad that Satan himself was like “:)”

Annie: tbh this is modern poetry

F uck: Shakespeare could never 

OddJayAlter: hey if you guys are done sucking Hosuh’s cock, I’ve got the candle circle set up

OddJayAlter: Hosuh said fuck while he was talking to me

Loss.jpg: IT WAS JUSTIFIED

DrawingABlank: WHY ARE WE SHOUTING

Annie: DEMON NOODLES

DrawingABlank: OK

Annie: anyways, light up the candles and don’t let any burn out. Follow the rest of the steps exactly as written

OddJayAlter: aye aye captain, thanks

F uck: send pictures!!!

Loss.jpg: is that safe

Annie: idk confer with the spirit if it wants pics

DrawingABlank: “hey bro can I snap a pic real quick? Wanna prove to my friends that you’re real”  
“Lit” :: smokes weed ::

OddJayAlter: not funny, didn’t laugh :/

DrawingABlank: gtfo Jay

OddJayAlter: good call, Hosuh and I have a ritual to complete 

Annie: good luck 

The circle of salt was perfectly made, Stephen laying face-up in the center, macaroni and cheese next to him. The guide said not to interfere with his body, so the dish would have to sideline. 

“It’s time,” Jay said seriously.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jay: we got ghosts :v  
> Ann: aight here’s the rules don’t fuck it up  
> Jay: thank you, I will not fuck it up


	12. Cheese

It’s no easy task, performing a seance. If you’re out of salt, you’re also out of luck. You’ll also probably be down a main character if shit goes off the rails. Jay really doesn’t want his life to be discontinued by the show runners, so he was pretty determined to make the whole salt situation work.

“You call this a barrier?” Hosuh asked, pointing to a single grain of salt that finished the circle. “The ghost would have to be completely brain dead to not just walk the fuck through this!”

“Hey, this stupid fucker chose to haunt burnt mac and cheese, I don’t think we’re dealing with the ghost of a rocket scientist. Now make yourself useful and light the damn candles.” As Jay said this, he set to work pricking his unconscious friend’s finger with a needle and painting a cross on his forehead. Then something important occurred to him. “Hey Hosuh? How do we get blood out of pasta?”

He stopped in his tracks, pursing his lips in thought. “Cheese sauce? Just stick the needle in there and fish out a glob.”

“What about the whole forehead situation?”

“Do I look like a ghost whisperer? Ask Ann; apparently she’s a ~witch~ or something.”

“Good call.” Jay picked up his phone and loaded up Discord. He picked up the pace of his typing when Stephen’s eyes began to glow red underneath his eyelids. 

OddJayAlter: @Annie WE NEED TO PUT CHEESE ON THE FOREHEAD

Annie: ???

OddJayAlter: the mac and cheese doesn’t have a fucking forehead help

Annie: oh yeah. Idk put the cross on the pan?? That’s all I’ve got

He dipped the needle deep between the folds of elbow pasta and pulled out a gooey string of cheddar. Within seconds, a savory cross adorned the front of the pan.

“Everything lit?”

Hosuh held up a thumbs up. “Ready.”

The pair huddled between Stephen’s feet, maintaining eye contact with the red cross. Under their breath, they mumbled an ancient chant, though had to occasionally tack on words like “pastaself” and “the mac”. 

A bright red light lit up the salt circle, dimmer in areas where the line was thinner. They watched intently as a pure white figure exited Stephen’s mouth and tried desperately to escape the circle.

“Hey, you stupid cunt!” Jay yelled. “Why the fuck were you haunting our macaroni?! Do you have no shame?”

It stared directly at Jay, sending a chill through his spine. “I was just hungry, dude. Look at me: I’m like a twig!” The ghost whined, gesturing to its glimmering tail. Supposedly that was supposed to be a stomach, but Hosuh and Jay didn’t catch on.

“Just get out of Stephen’s house, and you can take the food,” Hosuh reasoned. A creepy feeling grew in his heart when the ghost smiled in delight. Were those teeth? Rocks? He couldn’t tell.

The charred, blackened, generally horrible dinner was taken away by the spirit, which flew down through the floor. Stephen was starting to stir just as the top of its head disappeared through the hardwood. 

He took a look around: his two closest friends were staring at him like he’d died, there was salt all over the place, and his stomach was jumping up and down. “Uhhh. What happened here?”

“We’re never cooking again.” Jay stated calmly. Hosuh nodded in agreement. Stephen could barely recognize his limbs and just went along with them. Overall, a successful dinner.


	13. Almost the End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I rewrote the entire ending because it was shit. No, Jo is not dead. Yes.

“So, any news from the doctor? You dying soon, or will I have to come to your place and kill you myself?” Stephen asked into the phone. He paced around his bedroom, Hosuh making pancakes in the kitchen and Jay washing his single pair of clothes.

There was a weak laugh from Jo. It’s not the laugh of a dying man, but rather that of a tired gay relative at a conservative family party. “No death on my end. Supposedly, I’m pretty close to getting over this, and I haven’t heard shit about any more complications.”

“Good, good.” Stephen glanced around his room, hoping to think of anything to talk about. He sensed Jo was doing the same.

“So, the weather, am I right?”

“I’m leaving.” He abruptly pressed the red hang up button on screen and fell onto his bed. With a new spring in his step, Stephen went to meet his roommates to tell them the news.

“What’d Jo say?” Jay asked. Somehow he managed to stare straight through Stephen’s mortal soul without opening his eyes. This spookiness was kinda undercut by all the soap bubbles on his chest. If Stephen was gay, this would probably be kinda hot, but this isn’t that type of fic. 

“He’s pretty close to being over this! I hope that means I can finally get you two out of my hair.”

“Hey, I am making you jerks breakfast right now,” Hosuh snapped back, “I’m running on three hours of sleep and my own sheer determination to not fuck up this friendship.” He lifted up a plate of steaming pancakes, far less burnt than the macaroni nightmare from two nights ago. There were burn marks on his wrist. “Eat your fucking breakfast, or I swear to god I will break every single dish in your house.”

“You’re not gonna get far with that one,” Stephen replied, deadpanned. He watched with a smirk as Hosuh threw open his cupboard, reveling in the shock on his face.

“Wh- it’s just paper?! You don’t have ceramics and shit?”

“No sir, paper is far cheaper.”

“But the environment!”

“I’m part of the environment, idiot. My well-being matters just as much as the turtles!” 

Jay took a bite of his stack of pancakes, resting haphazardly on his knee. “Humans will kill this earth and I cannot wait for us to be wiped out.”

Stephen shook his head, as he knew Jay was right. He took a stack and a plastic fork before sitting on his floor to eat it. The sofa had mysteriously disappeared overnight. Well, it could’ve been the work of Creepy Window Man, but Stephen was too tired to look into that. 

Just as the three men finished their plates, a knock was heard. Eggplant-lookin’ ass himself got up to answer it. The same robotic woman from before stood before him, albeit without the safety precautions of a week before. 

“Hello sir. How’s your quarantine been? I assume you haven’t breached the agreement of stating indoors.” Jesus fucking Christ, her eyes were horrifying. They were like green laser beams burning into Stephen’s pupils.

“U-yep! All safe here!” Hosuh suddenly appeared next to him, making Stephen jump. 

“What is it that you needed, ma’am?” Hosuh asked politely. He couldn’t confirm it, but Stephen swore he saw a smile tug at her lips.

“I’m coming by to inform all the residents that the virus has been contained. It is safe to come out.” Not an ounce of joy in that voice, as if her vocal chords were made of coffins. 

The three men shared a gleeful look, Jay bouncing a little in his seat. “Thank you, Miss!” Stephen said, ready to throw Hosuh and Jay our the nearest window. Just before she could say anything more, he slammed the door closed.

“GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!”

**Author's Note:**

> Woo! One chapter down, an unknown number to go! For the people who skipped the texting part, here’s what happened:  
> \- Group chat with Stephen, Hosuh, Jay, Ann and Blank  
> \- Hosuh and Jay will be coming for the sleepover  
> \- Stephen accuses Hosuh of liking Monster Musume  
> I plan on updating between Thursday and Saturday, so keep your eyes peeled


End file.
